Nice Guys Finish Last
I’m sure you’ve heard it before, that awful rumor concerning being nice to a woman. Yes, well, it’s true. Respect, kindness and attention are all apparently considered character flaws by women. Read on to find out what I’ve learned.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been what one would consider a nice guy. I’ve tried to treat any woman I’ve met with a great deal of respect, as an equal. I’ve never abused my girlfriends. I don’t insult them on a day to day basis. With one exception, I don’t cheat on my significant other. Beyond that lack of detrimental behavior, I’m also known to call on a regular basis, express my feeling and what’s on my mind, and show a great deal of affection. I’m also quite renowned for my prowess in other areas.
But I’ve found that none of that really matters. Women still don’t seem to want a lasting relationship with me. This whole concept baffled me, and to some extent still does. Why is that no matter how much a woman insists she’s looking for a man who will respect her and treat her as an equal she runs away from those very conditions? A friend of mine put forth the idea that people are so used to having something or someone to blame for their problems that when their excuses are taken away they run away. That still makes no sense to me, but I think I got the gist of what he was trying to say. They like being broken. If I were to come in and be a perfect individual, they just wouldn’t be able to handle it. Functional relationship—better find the dysfunction, and quick!
I’m not sure I agree wholeheartedly with what he was saying, though the idea has some merit. But I have learned one thing, reinforced to me tonight by multiple friends and acquaintances…Nice guys finish last.
You see, I was told this evening that I was too nice. I should go out and flirt with other girls, be a bit of an asshole, don’t pay so much attention to the girl I’m interested in. I scoffed. I mean, who in their right mind would choose to play such games? I am interested in this one girl. I don’t want the rest of them. So I am told to ignore her, not call her, make her jealous, all to get her attention? That really makes no sense, unless you come to realize that is just the way women are.
First off, let me say this is not meant to deride women in any way. I adore the female gender, and feel much more comfortable in their company. I think they are just as capable of making intelligent decisions, capable leaders and workers, and are just as swayed towards good and evil as men. However, when I encounter such idiocy as I’ve witnessed tonight and for most of my life, I can’t help but think rationality comes at a great effort to many.
In college, I had several very close female friends. We spent many wonderful days and nights in each others company, and I got to see the world from a decidedly female perspective. One of the things that came out in our many sessions was that I was too nice. They told me that one day we’d end up making a movie about it and we’d call it, "Nice Guys Finish Last." You see, they’d known for a while that no woman really wants a man who will treat her with respect, kindness, or sensitivity. Those qualities are perfect for a friend, and perhaps this is why so many women are drawn to gay men, they having gained a heightened degree of sensitivity by virtue of their sexuality and social status. But women, according to my friends, want a guy who will be the asshole, who will make them get jealous, who will make them work for his attention. In some ways, I can understand the desire to achieve a goal. Most rewards are in fact more thoroughly relished when the effort involved was greater. But I don’t believe relationships should be this way. It should be about finding someone you connect with, with who you share common interests, feelings, or about someone who makes you insanely happy anytime they are near. There shouldn’t be this elaborate game, filled with rules only the lucky few completely understand. I should be able to go up to a girl I’m interested in and have her feelings for me decided on the factors mentioned above, and not by the method in which I approached her or pursued her for months on end.
I read a magazine excerpt from the 50’s, from Good Housekeeping I believe. It was a guide on how to be a good wife. A world where the woman was decidedly inferior in social status to the man. She deferred to him in all cases, and saw to his needs. Yet, strangely enough, many of those couples married so long ago stayed together. In a day and age where divorce and infidelity are common place, those stayed together…why? It could be that they are just so used to each other, that they don’t see the point of ending things. Or it could be that the woman is happy in her place. It’s a scary thought to me. I can’t imagine anyone being happy as a lesser. But still, it happens. So maybe women aren’t happy being equals. Maybe they need to be lessers. And for those who aren’t beaten down, treated as inferiors, or otherwise abused, those others take the role of the dominant individual. Not happy to be equals, still, they run the relationship, make the decisions, control the important aspects of the couples lives. So maybe its not possible for any pair to treat each other as individuals. Does there have to be this binary relationship in which one partner rules with an iron fist over the other? All my life, I’ve chosen to belief this was not the case, taught by the media and my peers that, no, this was not the way it should be, that we could all live as equals.
But circumstance or sociology dictates otherwise. The most attention I ever received was from a girl I rarely called. The most pursued I’ve ever been was when I was chasing after that girl’s friend. My female friends tell me constant stories about how their boyfriend pays them no attention, about how he never puts any effort into making her feel special. Yet they stick with them, they refuse to stop. But I will guarantee you that if a girl was in a relationship with a man for a while and everything was running smoothly, she’d find some reason not to enjoy her life. And it all makes me sick. I may gain a reputation for tilting at windmills, but there is so much about the society we’ve built that is such a huge lie. Sensitivity is a wash. You may feel good about yourself, but you’ll find yourself stepped on and alone more times than you can care to remember. Courteousness…good for letting someone in your lane, but you’ll always find that person reaching their destination before you do. As for me, as I told my friends tonight, its just not worth it. Maybe I’ll be alone. Maybe I’ll never find that that someone who likes how I treat them, but its better than playing their games.